I've just spent some time going back over what I've written over the years. Interesting. You can see my madness. I'd like to think I've made dramatic improvements but in reality, the crazies never really think they're crazy.
Things have changed. We're engaged. The date is set. We've got a blog. Which is where I've been posting lately. But some things can't be posted for your families to read. And some friends shouldn't know everything. So I came here. My fall back.
Dad passed away on September 10th unexpectedly. And I miss him terribly today. I'm planning on going over to the house later today. I want to spend time with Mom while Kris and Diane are away. I want to open the door and hear his voice greeting me. But he won't be there. Well, not in the way I'd like him to be. I suppose I shouldn't be picky. To have him around at all is a blessing.
Kevin and I are doing well. We have our moments. The important thing is he's finally realized his issue and he's working on it. Truly seeking help. We had a long and tearful discussion this morning. Things I've said over and over again finally meant something to him today. He was truly upset over the things he's done. Not like so many other arguments we've had when he basically told me to get over it. I feel validated finally. It's a nice feeling. I was sad to seem him hurt by his realization but relieved. I know he gets it now.
Everything is moving on so well. The wedding plans are coming along. Work is fine. We've moved in with his dad. We have the full basement. It's nice. I'm mostly under control. No huge mood swings. But there are some.
Lately, I'm nostalgic. Reminiscing about Dad and Grandma and his mom. Things that were important then and not so important now. How things have changed. How we've changed. It's almost been a year since my hospital stay. I'm a little worried about a relapse. I feel strong most days but on my bad days, well, they're bad. I cry. A lot. Over everything. I need to find the root cause but I'm afraid to look. I stopped therapy. It was getting too expensive. I should probably go back but I feel like I'm in a good spot now. Don't all the crazies say that, though?
I told him today how I really feel about some things. I do things just to please him so he won't leave. It's really no trouble. It's not like I'm doing things I don't want to do. It's just things I wouldn't normally do. I want him to be happy. I'm not putting my happiness aside. He was bothered by that. It all came up because of a request he made. Some new desire, though I suspect it's not really a new desire as much as it has become a strong desire. He's challenging my beliefs on this one. I have preconceived ideas about this and I'm not sure where they came from or why I have them. I need to exam them. I do know that what he is asking bothers me. Not because it hurts me. But because it's so degrading to him in my eyes. He's a strong and masculine man. Doing this would just negate that. When I think about it putting other people, someone I don't know, in the situation, it's no big deal. But when I put us in the situation it's just not appealing and rather upsetting. I realize this doesn't make much sense without knowing exactly what I'm talking about but it's not for me to tell. I don't think I want him to do this. I don't want to be a part of it. Simply for the fact it will change how I see him. Is that selfish?
"Do you ever wish we were normal?"
I do, sometimes. But he's glad we're not. He says it would be boring and we'd tire of each other. I'm not saying I want to be normal all the time. I just miss some normal things. To have some normal experiences. I don't think everything has to be so unique and different all the time. I like familiar things. It gives me a sense of comfort. I guess we just disagree on this point.
Normal. Well, there really isn't a normal. Everyone is different. I just think there are some things that are more socially acceptable. Not that I care what society says but in some regards, I kind of agree with the consensus.
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