Change

I changed my template. I think I like this one much better. It's a better feel. Pink isn't me. Red maybe. Pink, not so much.

Random, nonsensical stuff:

• I love dictionary.com
• My plant, Hyakinthos, is doing really well. So well in fact, that I don't know how to get it out of the planter thingy it's in to put it in soil.
• I wish I knew how to add video to my blog.
• Sneaked is in the dictionary. I thought it was snuck but I guess both are right.
• Crystal Light packets aren't so bad.
• MySpace is proving to be addictive.
• My court case was dismissed. (ticket for expired plates)
• The cop was, indeed, very hot. But I didn't say anything to him.
• People watching in a court room is uber interesting.
• Uber is a fun word
• Sometimes I think I have atrial flutter.

And that's all the time we have for today. Tune in again for some random ramblings from my muddled mind.

A Step Back

You may have noticed, or not, that I've been in a bit of a rotten mood lately. I do apologize. I never intended to take my frustrations out on anyone in particular. It isn't fair or kind of me.

Something has changed. Well, I suppose it hasn't really changed. It's simply that I've finally realized what I was really facing. Sometimes standing too close to a situation makes everything blurry and unclear. I took a step back. What I saw didn't really surprise me. Somehow I knew what I was going to see. After all, I'm not as dumb as I look. Finally seeing this situation for what it really is made a difference. And now I feel a little lost. The path I thought I was following turns out to be nothing more than a dead ended trail. The scenery was nice but left me feeling unfulfilled.

Something just feels amiss now. Where once I had an almost overpowering ambition, I now feel listless. All I want is to immerse myself in school work because then there will be no time to think of anything else. The pain and emptiness will be gone. I won't realize I'm missing anything because I'll be too busy to notice.

That isn't the answer though. The answer is to work through it. A friend, one that is quickly becoming very dear to me, once wrote that "emotions are neither good nor bad; they simply are." I find this to be very accurate. Sometimes I wonder if he has any clue how wonderfully wise he is. The point is that I need to recognize my feelings, accept them, and move on. Spoken like a true psych patient, no? I know this is what I need to do. I just haven't the motivation to quite get there yet. I will. I just need a bit of time.

Stupid Germs! Rotten Timing!

I'm sick. Again. It never seems to fail. I thought I had escaped being ill during clinicals. Alas, I was horribly wrong. For the first time in my life I found myself praying for strep throat. Of course, just my luck, it's just a virus. Time in combination with plenty of fluids and a few pills and syrup to treat the symptoms will make it all better.

Basic functions are proving to be near impossible. My nose is constantly stuffy. Swallowing a sip of water feels like shards of glass going down my throat. At night and early morning my fever tends to spike somewhere around 102 degrees Fahrenheit. If you'd like your martini shaken, hand it to me for my chills will do a fine job of mixing your drink.

I'm convinced I'm going to die early in my life. Every year I find myself constantly sick. How will I ever be a nurse if I can't stay well enough to take proper care of my patients? I know what the doctor will tell me. He'll say my tonsils need to be removed and the sore throats will go away. That's great. Fine and dandy. Then the infections will simply take up residency in my chest and I'll simply die of pneumonia. I suppose there are worse ways to go.

Yes, I'm slightly cranky. Again. My apologies to any poor soul reading this.

On the brighter side, I went out with some friends to a club on Saturday for a birthday celebration. One friend left early and the other, the birthday girl, and I danced the night away. Well, perhaps we did more drinking than dancing. It was a wonderful evening. However, I've learned not to go out drinking and dancing with siblings. It just doesn't seem to turn out well. I suppose had my alcohol intake been slightly less the evening would have ended better. No sense in dwelling on the past. Anyway, the whole point of this rambling is that I took a risk and gave a man my number. I didn't actually think he'd call me. He did give me his card. It put it in a place where it would be rather difficult to lose. He told me he'd call me on Monday. When Monday came and went without hearing from him I assumed it was over. Nothing would come of it. Not that I had been holding my breath. Tuesday afternoon as I was watching a movie with one of the girls, my phone range. I don't usually answer calls from numbers I don't recognize but it was a familiar area code so I took a chance. It was him. My heart stopped and jumped into my throat. I could barely speak. I felt like a high school girl. How absurd, no? I politely asked him to hold while my friend and I scrambled to pause the movie and giggle. Lord, I hope he didn't hear the giggling! We talked briefly. He knew I didn't think he was going to call. He asked me why. I didn't have a reason. I just didn't think he would. I was so thrilled he had! After a bit of small talk and clearing up a few minor details (I seem to give out false information unintentionally while intoxicated) he asked me when he could see me. That's right! He asked me on a date! I didn't have my blasted schedule near me so I couldn't set a date but it will be decided in the near future, as in tomorrow or Friday. Provided I'm well enough for a phone conversation. Damn virus!

Off to prepare for an exam and take my next dose of medications.

$#^%^&*$##@@*(&**#!!

I'm cranky and tired. Just a warning.

Yesterday was a drag. I had a long and very exhausting day at work. I continually feel like I'm under constant surveillance, my every move and decision scrutinized. A friend called and asked me to meet her for dinner. I had two hours until we were to meet. Every time I looked at the computer screen I felt my eyes well and burn. Enough. I left the rest of the data entry and paperwork for the next day.

I had no idea what to do or where to go. I wasn't in the mood to shop. I considered stopping by Starbucks or something for a drink but I didn't feel like dealing with people. I wound up at the craft store browsing for some beads so I could finish some earrings for a friend. As I walked through the store, looking at everything in each aisle to pass the time, I received a phone call from my most recent ex. The conversation was mainly focused on the last of my things. I want them back this weekend. He didn't think he'd have time. It was horrible. I feel like I'm going through a divorce without all lawyers and paperwork. I hate to admit it but I broke down crying in the middle of the craft store. I must have looked like a mentally unstable psych patient wandering the store. People stared but I didn't care. I was just so frustrated with the whole situation. Finally the conversation was a little more friendly and we came to an agreement.

I left the craft store and drove over to the bookstore. Browsed. Found nothing to keep my interest except a man sitting in the corner reading Whitman. His brow was slightly furrowed and I could tell he was chewing the inside of his cheek. I don't know why but I really just enjoyed watching him read. He seemed absolutely oblivious to everything around him. Perfectly content in those pages.

My phone began buzzing and I nearly fell over trying to answer the phone. It's a gift I have, being a klutz. My friend was across the street waiting for me. I paid for a pocket journal and met her for dinner.

On the way home, I called a friend. I know I shouldn't drive and phone people but I did. About three minutes away from my house, red and blue lights flashed in my rearview mirror. A mirad of swear words and I hung up the phone and pulled over to the side. I pulled my license out and rolled down my window. That was dumb. I should have waited for the officer to get out of the car. It was cold. He came over to the window, shined the light in my face. I think they must have special flashlights that are just brighter than anything else. It felt like I was looking into the sun. I tried not to squint but I felt my face automatically contort anyway. The officer leaned down and lowered the light a bit, much to my relief. He was very polite and not the "badass" some of them pretend to be. My license plate tags were expired. He asked for my license and wondered if I had moved. Why, yes, yes I did move... He checked my insurance card and then disappeared with my license. And I sat there for what felt like ages. An unmarked police car pulled up on the median and waited, watching. I wondered if I seemed like a threat. I'm a little chubby white girl. Where's the threat in that? The officer returned, sans license, ticket in had. He explained I had to appear in court on the 26th of this month with the license plate tag. I know I deserve the ticket but I just wanted my license back. I feel naked without it! He was so nice and polite I thought he might apologize for writing the ticket. He sent me on my way. I rejoined the bustling traffic. When I walked in the door finally I just wanted to hide in bed. It had been one of those days that wasn't exactly catastrophic or traumatic, just extremely trying. Like a constant dull headache.

I called the person that always seems to make me feel better no matter what but he was asleep. Oddly enough, another friend, a new friend, came to my rescue. I vented my frustrations and he listened. When I was all done he consoled me and offered words of advice. He sorted through each mess and helped me see it wasn't so bad. Everything could be fixed.

Life is so surprising sometimes. I love it and loathe it at the same time. Thank goodness for friends!

Et tu, Brute?

About a year and a half ago I had a rough experience with a "friend." This is what I wrote.

"I sat here contemplating life today. I do that more and more lately. My life has never been so clear and so complicated all at the same time. So many choices lie ahead of me, each more difficult than the previous. I'm finally finding meaning in all the horrible things I been through. I've found a purpose for my life. I'm stronger than I've ever been before but just as vulnerable.
I thought I really found someone I connected with but I was wrong. I keep saying that I'm tired of the heartache and pain only to fall into the same trap again. I gave someone a glimpse of my tormented mind only to be laughed at and ridiculed. I felt so utterly foolish. The friend and confidant I saw before me was nothing more than a Trojan horse. I simply walked away with my head down. At first my mind was void of any thought. Suddenly a thousand words came to mind like a torrential rainfall. I held my tongue. It was the most civil thing I could have done. I do believe in being honest with people but I don't believe in saying anything to intentionally hurt them.

What makes people so narrow-minded and self-centered? How is it that so many people wander the planet without a clue as to there effects on those around them? Perhaps it is because they simply do not care. I cannot believe that. Not of such a large group. I've shared so much with this person and to find that my most intimate thoughts, ideas, fears, etc. have been entrusted to such a fiend... I feel hollow.

This only strengthens my belief that evil is most successful disguised as a non-threat, the ones you least expect. Sugar and spice, warm fuzzies, rainbows, and flowers all laced with carcinogens and various other toxins.

I refuse to let one more person taint me. I refuse to let one more person have such a negative impact on my life. There is good out there. There is someone that really cares. There is someone that will listen. It's just that it's not the one I thought it was. Live and Learn..."

I seem to have come across another person that fits this discription above. This time, though, I was a little more cautious. I didn't let him in as far as I had let the other person. I learned a lesson and it prepared me for people like him. He tells me all sorts of wonderful things. He praises me in little ways because he knows that's what I like best. Moments later he's ridiculing me and falsely accusing me of lies. His claims are unfounded and seem to be from "left field" as it were.

What bothers me most, what really confounds me, is his preaching. I don't claim to be a good Catholic. I'm not. I quite frankly suck. But I have my faith. I have a relationship with God that I'm comfortable with. I don't feel the need to go to church or confess my sins to a priest. But I know that I'm not a horrible person. I do try to live my life right and well. I may not live by the Ten Commandments, per se. I don't force my views on someone else either. I'm not a against having a good theological conversation. In fact, I'm quite in favor of it! Anyway, it bothers me that people that preach about being a good Christian can, in the same breath, judge me while looking down their noses at me. It's times like that I wish I could hold up a mirror. What is it with people? I know we all have our flaws. We are human. I get that. I am aware of many of my own flaws. I guess it seems to me that people that study the Bible and strive to be in tune with God would be a little more forgiving. Am I crazy? Am I missing something? Perhaps I'm just a little too idealistic.

**Sigh**

To Begin

I've started my blog. My real blog. Funny. It's just a blog. No big deal. All my secret inner thoughts exposed to the world. What's the risk in that?

**gasping for air**


Where do I begin?

Hello. I'm Mandalina. Welcome to my blog. I think this shall be my thinking spot. A little place I go to let out my frustrations and triumphs.


I did something today. Well, I did a few things today. But the one thing I'm really pleased with took courage, I suppose. I brought up a topic I didn't really want to broach. I was afraid of what the response would be. I had my idea of how I wanted it to go. I tend to have a vivid imagination and my subconscious torments me in my sleep. I've been having really strange and disturbing dreams lately. Finally I decided to just say what's been weighing heavily on me. And surprisingly, once I started talking it was easy. The words, the right words even, just flowed. And when I had finished, the response was favorable! It was a good day.