Happy Birthday!

Wait, it's November. Yeah, that's right. I got a birthday present today. Well, birthday and Christmas combined. We had a good day today. When Kevin came home, we went out to Panera and brought breakfast, complete with peppermint mocha, for Mom. We sat and chatted and had a good time. Then Kevin and I left for Sam's Club. We ended up setting up our own account. We bought Mr. Booth's Christmas present, a present for my cousin, a gift for my friend, THE most awesome pillows ever, and a TV for the bedroom. Kevin wanted a flat screen to mount to the wall so there'll be more space in the bedroom. Which is fine. We spent a pretty penny there but actually ended up saving quite a lot.

Then he took me for my gift. He wouldn't tell me where we're going. He just drove. And finally we arrived at Guitar Center. Which totally threw me for a loop. I don't play an instrument. I haven't in more than twenty years. Kevin just smiled and we walked in as he told me that his wish for me is to have a piano to learn to play. See, that was one of my goals/wishes when I graduated. I was going to take time to learn piano. I just never found the time. I was so terrified. And I'm not even sure why. I just went in the store holding his hand and stared at the walls of digital pianos. I knew nothing about them. Some were short. Some were long. Some were huge and some were smaller. I didn't know why. In fact, I still don't know why. But I did learn that a regular piano has 88 keys. So that's what we looked at. Digital pianos with 88 keys. And weighted keys so when I transition to a real piano, God willing, I'll be able to adapt better.

Greg, the nice guy at Guitar Center, walked us around the digital pianos (are they different from keyboards? I don't even know). He explained a lot. Which just kind of whizzed past me and I got glimpses of what he was talking about. I was still in shock I think.

Eventually we picked one. Well, I picked one. And it was on sale. Of course. We got a stool and a stand. Greg offered the smaller, cheaper stool. I had to go with the bigger one. Have you seen the size of my rear? Small stool isn't going to work well for me. He laughed.

We went home, with my head still swimming with all this excitement. I wanted the piano but at the same time was afraid of it. Silly, I know. I just don't want to waste his money. What if I just really suck? What if I quit? What if it turns out I don't even like it? UGH! Too many What ifs.

I've already started downloading some learning programs on Garageband on the Mac. We'll see how this goes.

Another Friend Lost

She was my best friend. No, she hasn't passed on. She's just kind of left me for herself. That's not entirely true, either. She was never really my best friend. I thought she was but I was blind. Everyone saw the truth but me. I didn't want to believe it.

I'm a giver. That's my lot in life. I like to please and give. It's what I'm good at. No matter what, I'm almost always around. Last year a good friend that wandered away called me after many months in tears. I was busy but I made time for her and her very desperate issue. I never really leave. I'm always here. To a fault, I think. So this friend has abused and used me time and again.

Now, I'm awake. I see it. I can't let her do this any more. I'm worn out and tired. I'm hanging on to life with both hands praying for someone to help me off the ledge. Luckily, my true best friend is there. My husband-to-be. He's wonderful and great. But he's not a girl. And sometimes, girls just need their girlfriends. I'm realizing that I have a great many friends but not that one best friend. The bestie, as the kids are calling them these days. And that makes me sad.

I can live without one. I have for years and years before. But I'm at a time in my life when I really need one. And the thing is, she's supposed to be my maid of honor. She's not doing a very good job right now being a friend. Which, in turn, makes me want a different maid of honor. I need someone I can rely on that will support me and help me make decisions. I don't feel like she fits that description now. She did at the time. Maybe it's a phase for her. I don't know.

All along there have been signs. She easily tosses me aside for the latest and greatest boy. She chooses the other more popular parties and drinking to a night with me.

At my time of need, she was there. I'll give her that. She stood by me at the funeral never leaving my side except when I needed a drink or more tissues. But that was one night. The nights following that have been just as hard. If not harder.

I just don't understand how I end up making these relationships with people that are not available. Friendship is a partnership. Both parties need to offer of themselves. And I feel it's become one sided. Or perhaps it always was mostly one sided. I just don't know what to do now.

Blathering again

Somehow I always seem to forget about this blog. Which is probably a good thing. Most people forget about this blog. And then my little rantings and such are free from me and out in the public but no one's really reading them.

I've just spent some time going back over what I've written over the years. Interesting. You can see my madness. I'd like to think I've made dramatic improvements but in reality, the crazies never really think they're crazy.

Things have changed. We're engaged. The date is set. We've got a blog. Which is where I've been posting lately. But some things can't be posted for your families to read. And some friends shouldn't know everything. So I came here. My fall back.

Dad passed away on September 10th unexpectedly. And I miss him terribly today. I'm planning on going over to the house later today. I want to spend time with Mom while Kris and Diane are away. I want to open the door and hear his voice greeting me. But he won't be there. Well, not in the way I'd like him to be. I suppose I shouldn't be picky. To have him around at all is a blessing.

Kevin and I are doing well. We have our moments. The important thing is he's finally realized his issue and he's working on it. Truly seeking help. We had a long and tearful discussion this morning. Things I've said over and over again finally meant something to him today. He was truly upset over the things he's done. Not like so many other arguments we've had when he basically told me to get over it. I feel validated finally. It's a nice feeling. I was sad to seem him hurt by his realization but relieved. I know he gets it now.

Everything is moving on so well. The wedding plans are coming along. Work is fine. We've moved in with his dad. We have the full basement. It's nice. I'm mostly under control. No huge mood swings. But there are some.

Lately, I'm nostalgic. Reminiscing about Dad and Grandma and his mom. Things that were important then and not so important now. How things have changed. How we've changed. It's almost been a year since my hospital stay. I'm a little worried about a relapse. I feel strong most days but on my bad days, well, they're bad. I cry. A lot. Over everything. I need to find the root cause but I'm afraid to look. I stopped therapy. It was getting too expensive. I should probably go back but I feel like I'm in a good spot now. Don't all the crazies say that, though?

I told him today how I really feel about some things. I do things just to please him so he won't leave. It's really no trouble. It's not like I'm doing things I don't want to do. It's just things I wouldn't normally do. I want him to be happy. I'm not putting my happiness aside. He was bothered by that. It all came up because of a request he made. Some new desire, though I suspect it's not really a new desire as much as it has become a strong desire. He's challenging my beliefs on this one. I have preconceived ideas about this and I'm not sure where they came from or why I have them. I need to exam them. I do know that what he is asking bothers me. Not because it hurts me. But because it's so degrading to him in my eyes. He's a strong and masculine man. Doing this would just negate that. When I think about it putting other people, someone I don't know, in the situation, it's no big deal. But when I put us in the situation it's just not appealing and rather upsetting. I realize this doesn't make much sense without knowing exactly what I'm talking about but it's not for me to tell. I don't think I want him to do this. I don't want to be a part of it. Simply for the fact it will change how I see him. Is that selfish?

"Do you ever wish we were normal?"

I do, sometimes. But he's glad we're not. He says it would be boring and we'd tire of each other. I'm not saying I want to be normal all the time. I just miss some normal things. To have some normal experiences. I don't think everything has to be so unique and different all the time. I like familiar things. It gives me a sense of comfort. I guess we just disagree on this point.

Normal. Well, there really isn't a normal. Everyone is different. I just think there are some things that are more socially acceptable. Not that I care what society says but in some regards, I kind of agree with the consensus.

Coming Together

When last I wrote, things were less than perfect and I found myself sleeping in the other room. Well, that's changed. Communications aren't the best but they are, in fact, better. We're getting along and things are moving along just fine.

So much so, that we're talking of taking a cruise in June of 2010 for my - dramatic pause - 30th birthday! We're planning on Royal Caribbean's Mexican Riviera Cruise. There are three ports: Cabo San Lucas, Mazatlan, and Puerto Vallarta. I'm so excited. And nervous. I've never been on a cruise before. It should be interesting. And I'll finally get to see some of Mexico. Which, from what I've heard from some friends, this cruise is amazing for siteseeing. I don't think he's as excited as I am about the trip. He's not been out of the country before so this will be his first time. I think that in itself is exciting. I guess boys are wired differently. I don't know. He is having trouble being excited about anything these days. I'm betting there's some depression going on that needs to be dealt with but that's another story for another time.

And on a fun note, I'm getting my nose pierced the end of October. I think. I'm really excited about this. I've wanted to do this for a long time just didn't have the guts to do it. Mostly because at the time I lived at home and Dad said if I put a hole in my nose I could find another place to live. So I didn't. But now I live on my own. And I am a big girl. Nearly 30 people! Yikes! Anyway, this will be good for me. Breaking free and expressing myself. I think after wanting this piercing for 15 years or so it's about time. I mean, the urge never went away so that's gotta say something. And it's just a hole. It'll close up if I don't want it anymore.

So yay. Yay for many reasons. I'm happy. Which is all that matters.

All that Glitters...

So things aren't what I thought they'd be. Almost four months later and we're still not completely moved in to the new apartment. Things are all a mess. It drives me insane. I hate not having things in order. We never had the housewarming party. We never had the birthday celebration either. And of course, now we're fighting. The honeymoon is officially over.

I knew it was going to happen at some point. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. I suppose I wouldn't mind the fighting as much if I had seen it coming. But it comes out of nowhere. The worst part is the crying. It's awful. My face gets puffy and my lips seem to swell. Then there's the copious amounts of snot. Just dripping. Tissue after tissue. And then my nose is just so stuffed I can't breathe. Plus I look like a fool. And he thinks I'm just being a girl. If there was a way around it I would certainly take it.

Is it selfish of me to want the best parts of life now? I've had so many less-than-wonderful moments that I think it's time to have some highlights. It seems that's not what's in store for me. The typical ups and downs are my destiny. I suppose it's a good thing, though I have a difficult time seeing that perspective. And I'm feeling like there's far too many lows lately. One after another.

For peace of mind, I went to a movie alone. I used to do that from time to time in the past. I forgot how freeing and yet lonely it can be. I saw Julie & Julia. I enjoyed the film though critics seemed to rip it apart. I sat alone in the back of the theater, no one around except for one couple in the front of the second section. Popcorn in one hand, cherry icee in the other, I sat and let my self be absorbed into the film. Amy Adams is so sweet it's a bit sickening. And Meryl Streep is, of course, amazing. It did make me wonder about the life of Julia Child. I remember seeing her show on television and just laughing. She was just entertaining. Now that I'm older and less than gifted when it comes to cooking, I'm interested and in awe. I'm even thinking of picking up a cook book and trying out some recipes. Who'd have thought, me cooking? Something other than Mexican of course. We'll see if I can find taste test subjects.

Life moves on, whether I want it to or not. I was talking with a friend through facebook messages. She and I were both in agreement that life needs to be put on pause for a moment so we can catch up. Where does the time go? Everyone seems to ask that question so frequently. And there is no answer. If only I could catch up to where I think I should be. I'm almost 30 and I can't seem to get settled. Isn't that where I'm supposed to be? Settled? Thinking of marriage and planning a family? Maybe a nice home in which to have 2.5 children? Well, truth be told, that's where I was headed. But there's been obsticales. It's been a tough year. He says that often. And I know it has. I was there to watch it all. Of course, he doesn't let me in any further than that so I can't really tell how much impact it's had on him. I just see how worn and melancholy he's become. Which tears me apart little by little, piece by piece. I can't help him because he won't let me. Maybe I don't even have the power to help him. But he sure won't let me even try. I suppose he thinks it's something he has to do alone. I've done that before, though. And it doesn't work. Everyone needs a little help from those around them, those close to them.

For now, I guess I'll sleep in the other bedroom and try to work things out with him. And keep unpacking a box a day. Maybe by the time I finish unpacking it'll be time to pack up again. Oh well. I have to do something.

Good News

The alarm clock so rudely went off at four o'clock this afternoon ruining my sweet dreams. After pressing the snooze, I rolled over and closed my eyes. About ten minutes later my phone, the new amazing phone, rang. It was Kevin with our good news. We were finally approved for our apartment. We'll be moving in to our lovely and spacious two bedroom, two bathroom this weekend. Well, we're going to start moving in anyway. Our schedules are rather hectic and it's going to take a lot to move all my crap in.

YAY! We'll have our first place together and a new address this weekend. It's very exciting. There's a ton of amenities such as an indoor and outdoor pool with a hot tub, dry saunas, full work out room, pool tables, ping pong tables, and more. They have movie nights and pot lucks in the club house. We'll be very close to I90 so it'll be perfect for both of us to get to work easily.

Hopefully this summer we'll be having an open house/birthday party. Watch for invitations.

At Peace

It's finally over. Even though it's been years in the making it feels very sudden. Mrs. Booth passed late on Sunday evening. We had just been to the hospice facility to get her settled and spend some time with her. We left and had a late dinner together and planned the next few days. They had given us a timeframe. Two to three weeks they said. But I knew better. Her body was giving out. The cancer was winning out. She looked frail and generally beat.

When we were in the hospital the morphine was doing nothing for her pain. They were on to dilaudid now. And to help her rest a dose of ativan. With the combination, she was out. She barely responded to our conversation. I sat there quietly with her alone for a moment. I watched her breathe. It was shallow and regular. Then for a moment it sounded coarse and was irregular, as if she couldn't catch her breath. Her mouth opened but her eyes stayed shut. I prayed for her to take another breath. She did so. Quietly and regularly again. This happened a couple more times while I was with her. I knew in my heart we were nearing the end but I wouldn't listen. Mr. Booth came back and sat with me. Kevin was there too, just getting off security detail. We sat and joked a bit. Anything to take our minds off her poor health. Motown hits played quietly in the background in hopes of helping her find some peace in the hectic emergency department.

That was only hours before she passed. After the call came, we all headed to the facility. It was nice there. Calm, warm and soothing. Just what a hospice place should be. As I walked in, Kevin, Karen and Mr. Booth were all around Mrs. Booth's body. I looked down at her pale face. There was a hint of a smile there. The beginnings of tears burned my eyes. I blinked them back. Mr. Booth rose from the bedside and hugged me. I held him tightly, wishing I could take his pain away. Kevin walked over and bent down so I could wrap my arms around him. I held him tightly, too. I felt his shoulders give in and his tears fell, soaking my shoulder. From somewhere deep inside I felt some strength. I knew I had to be strong. I couldn't cry along with him. Not now. He finally let go and we talked. To her. To each other. Mostly, I listened. That's what I was there for. To listen and to help.

Days have passed and the funeral is near. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed with emotions. I'm so upset that she won't be here for our wedding. I wanted her to have that dance with her son. The mother-son dance. The one where she beams proudly at Kevin as he leads her around the floor in front of everyone. He won't have that now. Our children won't know her. We'll tell them stories of how wonderful she was and all the mischief she got into when she was younger but they'll only know her from photos. I can say it's not fair but that's how life goes. I know I'm being selfish but it doesn't make the feelings go away.

For now, I am relieved. She's no longer in pain. She's with Him now. He will take care of her better than we ever could. I know she'll watch over us. And in some way she'll be at the wedding.