Cold rainy day. Dense fog. I have a chill so deep within me, no amount of blankets will warm me. It's been a long and trying day, as many of them have been lately. I wonder if I know what I'm doing. I'm almost certain I don't. Getting ready to end the day with a hot steaming shower in an attempt to wash away the stress and warm my aching body, I checked my messages one last time.
He was there, as if he knew and was waiting for me. His words warmed me. I let them wash over me like a stream of hot water taking the place of my therapeutic shower. Though I'm not as cheerful as I'd like, I am better. The comfort he provides surprises me. It's unexpected and inexplicable. In some ways he saves me from shedding unhappy tears and in their place the happy relieved ones fall. Release. That's what I needed. Somehow he always knows.
4.26.2007
4.13.2007
"The human being is the only animal that thinks about the future."
"To see is to experience the world as it is, to remember is to experience the world as it was, but to imagine - ah, to imagine is to experience the world as it isn't and has never been, but as it might be."
That passage is from a new book I'm reading in between nursing management. There's only so much PPO, HMO, DRGs that I can read about before feeling the need to pull out my hair. Anyway, it's by Daniel Gilbert called Stumbling On Happiness. I quite like it so far. It's the perfect combination of truths, logic, theory, and humor. He kind of reminds me of that wise man I mentioned before. I think he'd probably like the book. I just really love that line. It continues on with:
"The greatest achievemnet of the human brain is its ability to imagine objects and episodes that do not exist in the realm of the real, and it is this ability that allows us to think about the future."
I look forward to reading the book slowly, chewing on his words, savoring the flavor. It's quite interesting. Granted, I'm only five pages in but still, I read the entire foreword and acknowledgments. That's the part I usally just skim over.
Okay, enough gushing over this book. Just ponder that quote a bit.
That passage is from a new book I'm reading in between nursing management. There's only so much PPO, HMO, DRGs that I can read about before feeling the need to pull out my hair. Anyway, it's by Daniel Gilbert called Stumbling On Happiness. I quite like it so far. It's the perfect combination of truths, logic, theory, and humor. He kind of reminds me of that wise man I mentioned before. I think he'd probably like the book. I just really love that line. It continues on with:
"The greatest achievemnet of the human brain is its ability to imagine objects and episodes that do not exist in the realm of the real, and it is this ability that allows us to think about the future."
I look forward to reading the book slowly, chewing on his words, savoring the flavor. It's quite interesting. Granted, I'm only five pages in but still, I read the entire foreword and acknowledgments. That's the part I usally just skim over.
Okay, enough gushing over this book. Just ponder that quote a bit.
4.12.2007
I've just finished a series of sneezes, about 15 of them. My nose is cold and numb. My fingers are that purple-blue color. My toes are frozen. I swear there's a draft in my room. I can feel a breeze though I see no evidence of one. Goodness, please don't let me get a cold. I don't have the time or energy!
Someone please explain to me why I choose to live in this city? I hear Arizona is lovely. Nice and warm. No snow or ice. What in the world am I doing here? Oh, that's right. My family. It's a good thing they love me as much as I love them. I'd be so far from here!
Someone please explain to me why I choose to live in this city? I hear Arizona is lovely. Nice and warm. No snow or ice. What in the world am I doing here? Oh, that's right. My family. It's a good thing they love me as much as I love them. I'd be so far from here!
The Mid-day Nightmare
My heart was pounding against my chest as if it were a wild animal trying to break free from a cage. Chaotic thoughts were racing in my mind. The stillness drove me mad. I scanned the barren desert in search of a phone, a car, something, anything, frantically trying to figure out what to do next. Where has everyone gone? Why is there so much blood? In the doorway of a little shop a silhouette appeared. I knew immediately it was her. I ran to her arms wide, tears flowing down my reddened cheeks. Through sobs I tried to explain what had happened. She stepped forward into the light and her smile fadded as she saw my distress. Together we tried to figure out things. I spun around feeling the heat of the sun directly over me.
There was a noise behind us. We each spun around to find nothing. Silence. My bag with all my money and other important documents had been right next the shop but now it was gone. I scanned the area again. I must have missed something, some clue. There were no tracks. No footprints. Just blood stained sand. And silence. Horrible, terrifying silence -
Broken by shrill screaming. She was no longer standing next to me. Someone or something thing had her and was taking her from me. There was nothing I could do. I ran after her watching the torment and fear in her eyes. Desperately she fought, clawing, kicking, anything to get free. My hand was outstretched reaching for her as she reached out for me.
My chest felt like it was going to explode but cave in all at the same time.
My own scream awoke me. I sat up in my bed out of breath, heart racing, tears in my eyes. Realizing it wasn't real, I turned to my left. She was trying to wake up and asked me what was wrong. She's safe. She's alive. I gave her a hug and held on to her as if never to let her go.
There was a noise behind us. We each spun around to find nothing. Silence. My bag with all my money and other important documents had been right next the shop but now it was gone. I scanned the area again. I must have missed something, some clue. There were no tracks. No footprints. Just blood stained sand. And silence. Horrible, terrifying silence -
Broken by shrill screaming. She was no longer standing next to me. Someone or something thing had her and was taking her from me. There was nothing I could do. I ran after her watching the torment and fear in her eyes. Desperately she fought, clawing, kicking, anything to get free. My hand was outstretched reaching for her as she reached out for me.
My chest felt like it was going to explode but cave in all at the same time.
My own scream awoke me. I sat up in my bed out of breath, heart racing, tears in my eyes. Realizing it wasn't real, I turned to my left. She was trying to wake up and asked me what was wrong. She's safe. She's alive. I gave her a hug and held on to her as if never to let her go.
4.08.2007
Girls
Much love to my girls, GracieLou, Eryka, and Moriah; my mini-girls Abigail and Charis, and honorable mention goes to Josh! Thanks for letting Moriah come out and play!
Randomness from Saturday:
Word Wand Word of the Day - Vestibule
Mispronunciation of this word drives us all nuts - salmon
Pretty-Pretty-Princess dresses look great on GracieLou!
Ugly fashions may be communicable and therefore after touching such travesties one must remember to wash one's hands with antibacterial soap for a minimum of 20 seconds with warm water.
There were several times we said, "We have to blog that," but now I seem to have forgotten what it was we were to blog...
Hmm... okay, that's it for now.
Two posts in one day! Holy Moley! What's going on! Don't worry... it won't happen that often.
Randomness from Saturday:
Word Wand Word of the Day - Vestibule
Mispronunciation of this word drives us all nuts - salmon
Pretty-Pretty-Princess dresses look great on GracieLou!
Ugly fashions may be communicable and therefore after touching such travesties one must remember to wash one's hands with antibacterial soap for a minimum of 20 seconds with warm water.
There were several times we said, "We have to blog that," but now I seem to have forgotten what it was we were to blog...
Hmm... okay, that's it for now.
Two posts in one day! Holy Moley! What's going on! Don't worry... it won't happen that often.
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Yes, I know. It's been far too long since my last post. I've been busy with life. My journals are usually paper and ink first. I have a load of them to enter. I'll do that in time. For now, I thought I'd post a little update and release some of the things in my head.
The past few weeks have been difficult. My father is ill. This is not a surprise to me but is to him and Mum. He's made some amazing changes and I'm so proud of him. I just wish he had been so determined earlier in his life when we were all begging him to take better care. I was instructed this evening to continue to focus on my studies and graduate as planned no matter what. This frightens me. What does that mean? It's a warning, an omen. He knows something that he's not sharing. I can feel it. Something is going to happen. He said even if he's hospitalized I may call and visit briefly but my mind must be focused on school. I agreed, reluctantly. He made me promise. I didn't want to but it's so important to him. I hate disappointing him and I'd really rather not go against him.
My mother called today from yet another hotel. It pains me to speak with her. The conversation is always one-sided. There's very little talk about me. I feel more like a therapist than a daughter. Over the weekend I bought a t-shirt at Old Navy for $5 (love that store sometimes!) that reads "I [heart] MOM." It most certainly wasn't with my biological mother in mind. When I realized that I wanted to show Mum rather than Ma it made me a little sad. As a very wise man has said to many times, "It is what it is."
That wise man has become quite important to me as of late. He's quite surprising. Often he knows what I'm thinking before I ever say a word. It's as if he sees inside me. Sometimes that's a bit unnerving but it's beginning to grow on me. I like having someone in my life that knows me so well. He keeps me in line and gives me those reality checks I so desperately need from time to time. There's so much I could say about him. I'm not even sure where to begin. I'll have to ponder that, write it out a bit, collect my thoughts and form them into something coherent.
Keep watching.
The past few weeks have been difficult. My father is ill. This is not a surprise to me but is to him and Mum. He's made some amazing changes and I'm so proud of him. I just wish he had been so determined earlier in his life when we were all begging him to take better care. I was instructed this evening to continue to focus on my studies and graduate as planned no matter what. This frightens me. What does that mean? It's a warning, an omen. He knows something that he's not sharing. I can feel it. Something is going to happen. He said even if he's hospitalized I may call and visit briefly but my mind must be focused on school. I agreed, reluctantly. He made me promise. I didn't want to but it's so important to him. I hate disappointing him and I'd really rather not go against him.
My mother called today from yet another hotel. It pains me to speak with her. The conversation is always one-sided. There's very little talk about me. I feel more like a therapist than a daughter. Over the weekend I bought a t-shirt at Old Navy for $5 (love that store sometimes!) that reads "I [heart] MOM." It most certainly wasn't with my biological mother in mind. When I realized that I wanted to show Mum rather than Ma it made me a little sad. As a very wise man has said to many times, "It is what it is."
That wise man has become quite important to me as of late. He's quite surprising. Often he knows what I'm thinking before I ever say a word. It's as if he sees inside me. Sometimes that's a bit unnerving but it's beginning to grow on me. I like having someone in my life that knows me so well. He keeps me in line and gives me those reality checks I so desperately need from time to time. There's so much I could say about him. I'm not even sure where to begin. I'll have to ponder that, write it out a bit, collect my thoughts and form them into something coherent.
Keep watching.
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