Happy Birthday!

Wait, it's November. Yeah, that's right. I got a birthday present today. Well, birthday and Christmas combined. We had a good day today. When Kevin came home, we went out to Panera and brought breakfast, complete with peppermint mocha, for Mom. We sat and chatted and had a good time. Then Kevin and I left for Sam's Club. We ended up setting up our own account. We bought Mr. Booth's Christmas present, a present for my cousin, a gift for my friend, THE most awesome pillows ever, and a TV for the bedroom. Kevin wanted a flat screen to mount to the wall so there'll be more space in the bedroom. Which is fine. We spent a pretty penny there but actually ended up saving quite a lot.

Then he took me for my gift. He wouldn't tell me where we're going. He just drove. And finally we arrived at Guitar Center. Which totally threw me for a loop. I don't play an instrument. I haven't in more than twenty years. Kevin just smiled and we walked in as he told me that his wish for me is to have a piano to learn to play. See, that was one of my goals/wishes when I graduated. I was going to take time to learn piano. I just never found the time. I was so terrified. And I'm not even sure why. I just went in the store holding his hand and stared at the walls of digital pianos. I knew nothing about them. Some were short. Some were long. Some were huge and some were smaller. I didn't know why. In fact, I still don't know why. But I did learn that a regular piano has 88 keys. So that's what we looked at. Digital pianos with 88 keys. And weighted keys so when I transition to a real piano, God willing, I'll be able to adapt better.

Greg, the nice guy at Guitar Center, walked us around the digital pianos (are they different from keyboards? I don't even know). He explained a lot. Which just kind of whizzed past me and I got glimpses of what he was talking about. I was still in shock I think.

Eventually we picked one. Well, I picked one. And it was on sale. Of course. We got a stool and a stand. Greg offered the smaller, cheaper stool. I had to go with the bigger one. Have you seen the size of my rear? Small stool isn't going to work well for me. He laughed.

We went home, with my head still swimming with all this excitement. I wanted the piano but at the same time was afraid of it. Silly, I know. I just don't want to waste his money. What if I just really suck? What if I quit? What if it turns out I don't even like it? UGH! Too many What ifs.

I've already started downloading some learning programs on Garageband on the Mac. We'll see how this goes.

Another Friend Lost

She was my best friend. No, she hasn't passed on. She's just kind of left me for herself. That's not entirely true, either. She was never really my best friend. I thought she was but I was blind. Everyone saw the truth but me. I didn't want to believe it.

I'm a giver. That's my lot in life. I like to please and give. It's what I'm good at. No matter what, I'm almost always around. Last year a good friend that wandered away called me after many months in tears. I was busy but I made time for her and her very desperate issue. I never really leave. I'm always here. To a fault, I think. So this friend has abused and used me time and again.

Now, I'm awake. I see it. I can't let her do this any more. I'm worn out and tired. I'm hanging on to life with both hands praying for someone to help me off the ledge. Luckily, my true best friend is there. My husband-to-be. He's wonderful and great. But he's not a girl. And sometimes, girls just need their girlfriends. I'm realizing that I have a great many friends but not that one best friend. The bestie, as the kids are calling them these days. And that makes me sad.

I can live without one. I have for years and years before. But I'm at a time in my life when I really need one. And the thing is, she's supposed to be my maid of honor. She's not doing a very good job right now being a friend. Which, in turn, makes me want a different maid of honor. I need someone I can rely on that will support me and help me make decisions. I don't feel like she fits that description now. She did at the time. Maybe it's a phase for her. I don't know.

All along there have been signs. She easily tosses me aside for the latest and greatest boy. She chooses the other more popular parties and drinking to a night with me.

At my time of need, she was there. I'll give her that. She stood by me at the funeral never leaving my side except when I needed a drink or more tissues. But that was one night. The nights following that have been just as hard. If not harder.

I just don't understand how I end up making these relationships with people that are not available. Friendship is a partnership. Both parties need to offer of themselves. And I feel it's become one sided. Or perhaps it always was mostly one sided. I just don't know what to do now.

Blathering again

Somehow I always seem to forget about this blog. Which is probably a good thing. Most people forget about this blog. And then my little rantings and such are free from me and out in the public but no one's really reading them.

I've just spent some time going back over what I've written over the years. Interesting. You can see my madness. I'd like to think I've made dramatic improvements but in reality, the crazies never really think they're crazy.

Things have changed. We're engaged. The date is set. We've got a blog. Which is where I've been posting lately. But some things can't be posted for your families to read. And some friends shouldn't know everything. So I came here. My fall back.

Dad passed away on September 10th unexpectedly. And I miss him terribly today. I'm planning on going over to the house later today. I want to spend time with Mom while Kris and Diane are away. I want to open the door and hear his voice greeting me. But he won't be there. Well, not in the way I'd like him to be. I suppose I shouldn't be picky. To have him around at all is a blessing.

Kevin and I are doing well. We have our moments. The important thing is he's finally realized his issue and he's working on it. Truly seeking help. We had a long and tearful discussion this morning. Things I've said over and over again finally meant something to him today. He was truly upset over the things he's done. Not like so many other arguments we've had when he basically told me to get over it. I feel validated finally. It's a nice feeling. I was sad to seem him hurt by his realization but relieved. I know he gets it now.

Everything is moving on so well. The wedding plans are coming along. Work is fine. We've moved in with his dad. We have the full basement. It's nice. I'm mostly under control. No huge mood swings. But there are some.

Lately, I'm nostalgic. Reminiscing about Dad and Grandma and his mom. Things that were important then and not so important now. How things have changed. How we've changed. It's almost been a year since my hospital stay. I'm a little worried about a relapse. I feel strong most days but on my bad days, well, they're bad. I cry. A lot. Over everything. I need to find the root cause but I'm afraid to look. I stopped therapy. It was getting too expensive. I should probably go back but I feel like I'm in a good spot now. Don't all the crazies say that, though?

I told him today how I really feel about some things. I do things just to please him so he won't leave. It's really no trouble. It's not like I'm doing things I don't want to do. It's just things I wouldn't normally do. I want him to be happy. I'm not putting my happiness aside. He was bothered by that. It all came up because of a request he made. Some new desire, though I suspect it's not really a new desire as much as it has become a strong desire. He's challenging my beliefs on this one. I have preconceived ideas about this and I'm not sure where they came from or why I have them. I need to exam them. I do know that what he is asking bothers me. Not because it hurts me. But because it's so degrading to him in my eyes. He's a strong and masculine man. Doing this would just negate that. When I think about it putting other people, someone I don't know, in the situation, it's no big deal. But when I put us in the situation it's just not appealing and rather upsetting. I realize this doesn't make much sense without knowing exactly what I'm talking about but it's not for me to tell. I don't think I want him to do this. I don't want to be a part of it. Simply for the fact it will change how I see him. Is that selfish?

"Do you ever wish we were normal?"

I do, sometimes. But he's glad we're not. He says it would be boring and we'd tire of each other. I'm not saying I want to be normal all the time. I just miss some normal things. To have some normal experiences. I don't think everything has to be so unique and different all the time. I like familiar things. It gives me a sense of comfort. I guess we just disagree on this point.

Normal. Well, there really isn't a normal. Everyone is different. I just think there are some things that are more socially acceptable. Not that I care what society says but in some regards, I kind of agree with the consensus.