A New Year.... Where Will It Lead

2008. Wow. My first entry in months. Well, not totally true. There are a couple other entries but I didn't post them. Just too personal. So the question is, where have I been?
Well, I've been here. Sort of. Things are great and not great. Work is wonderful. I love my pediatric patients. I like my ortho patients too. And let's not forget about the gyne patients.... well, they're not all bad. On a rare occasion we get a medical that's really a psych. That just makes life interesting. It reminds me how much I love psych. One day... I'll go that route. Not just yet though.

Work is taking a lot of my time. My schedule has been all over the place. I have so much going on. And I'm finally getting my life in some sort of order. I spend my spare time, when I have any with my family and the few friends I still see, and of course the love of my life.

I've been going through a rough patch. I'm in the process of getting some medical attention for a few things. Luckily my health insurance just started so that works out. It's been pretty tough but I have a great support system. My boyfriend has been amazing. He's new to some of this. At least, he's never had to deal with it on a personal level. He has his patients but it's always different when it's family. My parents are really great and they really help me out. I don't know what I'd do without them. I do know. It's just not a pretty thought.

Dark days. That's how it's been. And patches of the most beautiful weather you could ever imagine. I miss the days in between. The ones with morning showers and clear blue skies in the afternoon. I want a happy medium. I had it once but now it's gone. The black clouds snuck upon me and blocked everything out. I didn't realize it had happened until it was too late. I looked around and somehow had managed to push almost everyone away. Nothing seemed good and everything was impossible. Que triste, no? And then suddenly the sun was shinning and the skies were the bluest I had ever seen them. I could leap from the ground up into the sky and touch the puffy white clouds. I could soar with the birds. Anything was possible.

In mid flight I began to fall, crashing into the ground. Everything hurt and I remembered how awful things are. And everything went wrong again.

And now I teeter between the two. No happy middle. At least not for long. One extreme to the next. I can't seem to control the pendulum. For now, I have to trust those closest to me to help with that. Help. It's one of the most difficult words for me to say. I don't like that I can't do it on my own. I should be able to take anything. I know I can't. But I feel like I should. Why does asking for help feel so much like failure? I don't understand.