The Risk of Loving Your Friends

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever." - Doug Horton

All these cute and wonderful aphorisms that often make my stomach churn... I'm learning their meaning. Unfortunately the hard way.

People come and go. I learned that early on in life. Nothing is constant. Though some truly want to, no one will always be there. It is just a fact of life. This sounds harsh and cold. I simply mean that sometimes when we truly need someone to intervene and pull us up no one is around. Not because they refuse but because we haven't made it clear we need their help.

The past few months have been very trying for me. School is heavier than ever and the end is near making me a bit anxious. I've had my share of "melt downs" and psychotic breaks. Dips and valleys. I've learned to grow from the tough times, though. I'm never as low as I once was. When I can, I share what I've learned with others. I know that I can't keep others from making the same mistakes I've made. We must all make our own mistakes and learn from them. But if I can help in some small way then I'll try.

For the most part I am open and honest about my past. I don't necessarily offer up all the information immediately as some may find it more distressing than helpful. I take it on an case-by-case basis. With a couple friends in particular, I've been exceedingly open and honest as my story is quite similar to theirs. I do not share my pain with them as an attempt to win some sort of pity contest. "My life was worse than yours." That sickens me. It's not a contest. Besides, who wants to win? And what exactly are we winning anyway? Ridiculous. My intent is to express how well I know the pain they are going through. I've been down this road many times. I just want to be there to help guide them out of the darkness. I can't make the journey for them. I can't carry their burdens for them but I can help.


"We can't save them all."
"I know. But I at least want to save the ones close to me."
"The truth of the matter is that ultimately we can't save anyone. We can only save ourselves. It sucks but those are the rules."
"I don't like the rules."
No matter how much I offer of myself, it's still up to them.

So what precipitated all this? A dear friend, one that I've had a bit of a rocky relationship with, isn't doing so well. I hadn't spoken to her in months. Every time she's in town we seem to miss each other. Sometimes I'm certain she's blowing me off. Eventually I quit trying to make plans. It was becoming increasingly difficult to be a true friend with her. Since the beginning of our friendship, ages ago, she's always been a bit of a pain, making things difficult. I remember countless times she'd be furious with me; yelling at me that we'd never speak again. Time would pass and she'd cool off and, still, I'd be right there. I don't leave. So this was our relationship. To suddenly have an email from her to my work account was odd. But not terribly. She was a bit forgetful. I opened the message after looking through the work related things. I read the words. Their meanings flooded my mind. I was drowing. Nothing made sense. I opened up my browser and searched for her name and the words, "car accident." And there on the screen in front of me were the photos of the wreck. A mangled truck. The broken baracade slabs from the roof of the parking garage. Police. Firemen. Jaws of Life. I scanned the articles. No tread marks. She never applied the brakes.

Completely numb. Empty and aching. Suddenly I felt my stomach twist and I ran to the bathroom. Just bolted. Told no one. Just ran. Head hanging over the toilet staring at my reflection in the water images of her contorted body strapped to a stretcher flashed before me. Every emotion I've ever known hit me at once. Anger, sadness, guilt, relief, rage, pity, confusion, hurt. It was as if each one picked up a bat and struck my belly repeatedly.

I washed my face and rinsed my mouth. My mirror image told me to calm down. My feelings were natural. But I couldn't calm down. I shut down instead. Numbly, I walked back to my office and grabbed my glasses and notebook. 2 o'clock. Meeting. I sat at the table with my coworkers. Not smiling. Not frowning. Just there. I stated my piece on the first topic. I addressed the issues and satisified the requirements for my job. Then I sat there. I didn't even pretend to listen. I just sat. Nothing else mattered. Quite frankly, we cover the same things every meeting. Not much changes. I'm a peon. I do what I'm told.

I spent the rest of the afternoon blindly walking through as if on autopilot. Even my autopilot was failing. My attempt to be "fine" wasn't working and I was sent to psych services. I didn't want to go but I knew I couldn't do it on my own. I broke down. I cried. I sobbed. And I got angry. I hate anger. I never know what to do with it. This time I didn't stuff it down inside. I let it out. I screamed. "Don't you dare leave me!" "How could you be selfish?" "I love you!" I cried. I did all the things I usually never do. And I felt better. Not great. But better.

I called home to be sure Mum would be there to greet me. I gave her a brief idea of my problem. After parking the car, I coaxed myself out of the car.

"Just open the door."
"Just get out."
"Just close the door."
"Just up the stairs."
"Just open the door."
"Almost there."
"Walk in."

Mum's voice greeted me. Samson stood atop the stairs, tail wagging, as if he hadn't seen me in ages. I slowly made my way up the stairs, suddenly feeling so very tired. I wanted to collapse right there. She told me to get settled and she'd be in to check on me. The hallway never seemed so long. I finally made it to my room and dropped everything. I sat on the edge of my bed and felt everything in me give way. Mum pulled the blankets over my crumpled body and kissed my forehead.

Sleep did not come easily. I begged for even the slightest drowsy feeling. But nothing. My head rested awkwardly on a pillow. I felt nothing. Sleep would take it all away. I wouldn't feel the nothingness anymore. It would just be rest. My mind was empty but in the background, as if behind a curtain, it was buzzing with a million thoughts. I strained to hear them. I closed my eyes trying to focus but still heard nothing. Finally taking pity on me, Sleep wrapped around me, soothing my chafed soul. My sleep was dreamless. At least as far as I can remember.

And now it's getting late. I feel like I can stand. The ground is firm beneath me. I'm a bit off balance but I'll manage. Like so many other bad days, I'll end this one in the shower. My haven. My safe place. Make me new.