Another Friend Lost

She was my best friend. No, she hasn't passed on. She's just kind of left me for herself. That's not entirely true, either. She was never really my best friend. I thought she was but I was blind. Everyone saw the truth but me. I didn't want to believe it.

I'm a giver. That's my lot in life. I like to please and give. It's what I'm good at. No matter what, I'm almost always around. Last year a good friend that wandered away called me after many months in tears. I was busy but I made time for her and her very desperate issue. I never really leave. I'm always here. To a fault, I think. So this friend has abused and used me time and again.

Now, I'm awake. I see it. I can't let her do this any more. I'm worn out and tired. I'm hanging on to life with both hands praying for someone to help me off the ledge. Luckily, my true best friend is there. My husband-to-be. He's wonderful and great. But he's not a girl. And sometimes, girls just need their girlfriends. I'm realizing that I have a great many friends but not that one best friend. The bestie, as the kids are calling them these days. And that makes me sad.

I can live without one. I have for years and years before. But I'm at a time in my life when I really need one. And the thing is, she's supposed to be my maid of honor. She's not doing a very good job right now being a friend. Which, in turn, makes me want a different maid of honor. I need someone I can rely on that will support me and help me make decisions. I don't feel like she fits that description now. She did at the time. Maybe it's a phase for her. I don't know.

All along there have been signs. She easily tosses me aside for the latest and greatest boy. She chooses the other more popular parties and drinking to a night with me.

At my time of need, she was there. I'll give her that. She stood by me at the funeral never leaving my side except when I needed a drink or more tissues. But that was one night. The nights following that have been just as hard. If not harder.

I just don't understand how I end up making these relationships with people that are not available. Friendship is a partnership. Both parties need to offer of themselves. And I feel it's become one sided. Or perhaps it always was mostly one sided. I just don't know what to do now.