All that Glitters...

So things aren't what I thought they'd be. Almost four months later and we're still not completely moved in to the new apartment. Things are all a mess. It drives me insane. I hate not having things in order. We never had the housewarming party. We never had the birthday celebration either. And of course, now we're fighting. The honeymoon is officially over.

I knew it was going to happen at some point. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. I suppose I wouldn't mind the fighting as much if I had seen it coming. But it comes out of nowhere. The worst part is the crying. It's awful. My face gets puffy and my lips seem to swell. Then there's the copious amounts of snot. Just dripping. Tissue after tissue. And then my nose is just so stuffed I can't breathe. Plus I look like a fool. And he thinks I'm just being a girl. If there was a way around it I would certainly take it.

Is it selfish of me to want the best parts of life now? I've had so many less-than-wonderful moments that I think it's time to have some highlights. It seems that's not what's in store for me. The typical ups and downs are my destiny. I suppose it's a good thing, though I have a difficult time seeing that perspective. And I'm feeling like there's far too many lows lately. One after another.

For peace of mind, I went to a movie alone. I used to do that from time to time in the past. I forgot how freeing and yet lonely it can be. I saw Julie & Julia. I enjoyed the film though critics seemed to rip it apart. I sat alone in the back of the theater, no one around except for one couple in the front of the second section. Popcorn in one hand, cherry icee in the other, I sat and let my self be absorbed into the film. Amy Adams is so sweet it's a bit sickening. And Meryl Streep is, of course, amazing. It did make me wonder about the life of Julia Child. I remember seeing her show on television and just laughing. She was just entertaining. Now that I'm older and less than gifted when it comes to cooking, I'm interested and in awe. I'm even thinking of picking up a cook book and trying out some recipes. Who'd have thought, me cooking? Something other than Mexican of course. We'll see if I can find taste test subjects.

Life moves on, whether I want it to or not. I was talking with a friend through facebook messages. She and I were both in agreement that life needs to be put on pause for a moment so we can catch up. Where does the time go? Everyone seems to ask that question so frequently. And there is no answer. If only I could catch up to where I think I should be. I'm almost 30 and I can't seem to get settled. Isn't that where I'm supposed to be? Settled? Thinking of marriage and planning a family? Maybe a nice home in which to have 2.5 children? Well, truth be told, that's where I was headed. But there's been obsticales. It's been a tough year. He says that often. And I know it has. I was there to watch it all. Of course, he doesn't let me in any further than that so I can't really tell how much impact it's had on him. I just see how worn and melancholy he's become. Which tears me apart little by little, piece by piece. I can't help him because he won't let me. Maybe I don't even have the power to help him. But he sure won't let me even try. I suppose he thinks it's something he has to do alone. I've done that before, though. And it doesn't work. Everyone needs a little help from those around them, those close to them.

For now, I guess I'll sleep in the other bedroom and try to work things out with him. And keep unpacking a box a day. Maybe by the time I finish unpacking it'll be time to pack up again. Oh well. I have to do something.

At Peace

It's finally over. Even though it's been years in the making it feels very sudden. Mrs. Booth passed late on Sunday evening. We had just been to the hospice facility to get her settled and spend some time with her. We left and had a late dinner together and planned the next few days. They had given us a timeframe. Two to three weeks they said. But I knew better. Her body was giving out. The cancer was winning out. She looked frail and generally beat.

When we were in the hospital the morphine was doing nothing for her pain. They were on to dilaudid now. And to help her rest a dose of ativan. With the combination, she was out. She barely responded to our conversation. I sat there quietly with her alone for a moment. I watched her breathe. It was shallow and regular. Then for a moment it sounded coarse and was irregular, as if she couldn't catch her breath. Her mouth opened but her eyes stayed shut. I prayed for her to take another breath. She did so. Quietly and regularly again. This happened a couple more times while I was with her. I knew in my heart we were nearing the end but I wouldn't listen. Mr. Booth came back and sat with me. Kevin was there too, just getting off security detail. We sat and joked a bit. Anything to take our minds off her poor health. Motown hits played quietly in the background in hopes of helping her find some peace in the hectic emergency department.

That was only hours before she passed. After the call came, we all headed to the facility. It was nice there. Calm, warm and soothing. Just what a hospice place should be. As I walked in, Kevin, Karen and Mr. Booth were all around Mrs. Booth's body. I looked down at her pale face. There was a hint of a smile there. The beginnings of tears burned my eyes. I blinked them back. Mr. Booth rose from the bedside and hugged me. I held him tightly, wishing I could take his pain away. Kevin walked over and bent down so I could wrap my arms around him. I held him tightly, too. I felt his shoulders give in and his tears fell, soaking my shoulder. From somewhere deep inside I felt some strength. I knew I had to be strong. I couldn't cry along with him. Not now. He finally let go and we talked. To her. To each other. Mostly, I listened. That's what I was there for. To listen and to help.

Days have passed and the funeral is near. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed with emotions. I'm so upset that she won't be here for our wedding. I wanted her to have that dance with her son. The mother-son dance. The one where she beams proudly at Kevin as he leads her around the floor in front of everyone. He won't have that now. Our children won't know her. We'll tell them stories of how wonderful she was and all the mischief she got into when she was younger but they'll only know her from photos. I can say it's not fair but that's how life goes. I know I'm being selfish but it doesn't make the feelings go away.

For now, I am relieved. She's no longer in pain. She's with Him now. He will take care of her better than we ever could. I know she'll watch over us. And in some way she'll be at the wedding.

Et tu, Brute?

About a year and a half ago I had a rough experience with a "friend." This is what I wrote.

"I sat here contemplating life today. I do that more and more lately. My life has never been so clear and so complicated all at the same time. So many choices lie ahead of me, each more difficult than the previous. I'm finally finding meaning in all the horrible things I been through. I've found a purpose for my life. I'm stronger than I've ever been before but just as vulnerable.
I thought I really found someone I connected with but I was wrong. I keep saying that I'm tired of the heartache and pain only to fall into the same trap again. I gave someone a glimpse of my tormented mind only to be laughed at and ridiculed. I felt so utterly foolish. The friend and confidant I saw before me was nothing more than a Trojan horse. I simply walked away with my head down. At first my mind was void of any thought. Suddenly a thousand words came to mind like a torrential rainfall. I held my tongue. It was the most civil thing I could have done. I do believe in being honest with people but I don't believe in saying anything to intentionally hurt them.

What makes people so narrow-minded and self-centered? How is it that so many people wander the planet without a clue as to there effects on those around them? Perhaps it is because they simply do not care. I cannot believe that. Not of such a large group. I've shared so much with this person and to find that my most intimate thoughts, ideas, fears, etc. have been entrusted to such a fiend... I feel hollow.

This only strengthens my belief that evil is most successful disguised as a non-threat, the ones you least expect. Sugar and spice, warm fuzzies, rainbows, and flowers all laced with carcinogens and various other toxins.

I refuse to let one more person taint me. I refuse to let one more person have such a negative impact on my life. There is good out there. There is someone that really cares. There is someone that will listen. It's just that it's not the one I thought it was. Live and Learn..."

I seem to have come across another person that fits this discription above. This time, though, I was a little more cautious. I didn't let him in as far as I had let the other person. I learned a lesson and it prepared me for people like him. He tells me all sorts of wonderful things. He praises me in little ways because he knows that's what I like best. Moments later he's ridiculing me and falsely accusing me of lies. His claims are unfounded and seem to be from "left field" as it were.

What bothers me most, what really confounds me, is his preaching. I don't claim to be a good Catholic. I'm not. I quite frankly suck. But I have my faith. I have a relationship with God that I'm comfortable with. I don't feel the need to go to church or confess my sins to a priest. But I know that I'm not a horrible person. I do try to live my life right and well. I may not live by the Ten Commandments, per se. I don't force my views on someone else either. I'm not a against having a good theological conversation. In fact, I'm quite in favor of it! Anyway, it bothers me that people that preach about being a good Christian can, in the same breath, judge me while looking down their noses at me. It's times like that I wish I could hold up a mirror. What is it with people? I know we all have our flaws. We are human. I get that. I am aware of many of my own flaws. I guess it seems to me that people that study the Bible and strive to be in tune with God would be a little more forgiving. Am I crazy? Am I missing something? Perhaps I'm just a little too idealistic.

**Sigh**