If I Say Stop, Will It?

My head is stuffed again. I don't know how to keep it clear and organized. My usual tactics no longer seem to work.

I left for work last night not feeling quite myself. Something was amiss before he had even stopped by my house.

"Do you ever have doubts about me?"

The question had escaped my lips before I had even realized it. I had been thinking about what a friend had been saying about his girlfriend. The moment the words had left my lips I wanted to suck them back in, retract them, keep them from entering his ears. But I couldn't. He paused and and answered. And of course, I didn't really want to hear the answer in the first place, but the fact he said "yes" bothered me even more. I had nothing to say. In the middle of my chest I felt my heart sink and my stomach flipped. Paralyzed by shock I sat there, curled up in his arms with my head resting on his shoulder. I wanted to pull away. That little voice (that usually tends to be a bit of a bitch) was screaming in my head sit up and stare him in the eye. But I couldn't. Nothing would move. I'm not even sure if I had taken another breath. Everything seemed to stand still.

If I'm perfectly honest with myself, I know that I, too, have had doubts in the past. History has taught me that I just don't seem to work well in relationships. This is the best relationship I've ever had in my life. It couldn't be more ideal and perfect. We have our difficulties. But we always make it through. We never really fight except when it's time to figure out dinner plans. Neither of us will make a decision. Deep down, my worry is me. Not him. Am I good enough? Am I healthy enough? Can we survive my issues? Will my health keep us from growing old together?

I guess I'll only know in time.

That just doesn't sit well with me, though. I've never felt so comfortable with someone. I give 100% and, amazingly, he does just the same. We support each other so well. In almost every way I can think of, we make a great pair. He's everything I ever wanted and all I ever dreamed, a littl bit of everything.

I never wanted to need someone. Up until now, I didn't think I really needed him. I can survive without him. Life will go on. The sun will rise and the Earth will turn just as it did before he was a part of my life. I just think I'll feel lost without him. He's so much a part of me I would feel as if my arm were missing. Or my leg. My chest would be hollow.

Of course, this is all crazy talk. Per my usual. As far as I know, he hasn't gone anywhere and he may not even have a clue that I'm worried. Though, I'm always worried so I'm sure he just assumes I'm worried about something.

Enough is enough. It's time to see the doctor. I can't keep doing this. It's really wearing on me and I can't imagine what it's doing to those around me.