Things Are A Bit Messy

I haven't updated in quite some time. It's been a bit hectic and to be perfectly honest, I haven't had the energy. I don't really have wonderful cheery news. I don't have many nice things to say. By the rules my grandmother taught me I should, therefore, say nothing at all. Perhaps by purging my head of these thoughts I'll find peace and at the very least a moment of rest.

My ATT (Authorization To Test) has not arrived. I'm anxiously awaiting this silly piece of paper that is the key to the next step of my future. According to the website it could take up to four weeks for the letter to arrive. The few others I've spoken with received their letters within a week. It's been almost three weeks. Should I worry? Probably not but I do regardless. It's what I do best.

My father was hospitalized on Monday morning. He foolishly drove himself to the emergency room with severe abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting, and fever. Why didn't he wake anyone up? No idea. I suppose it's a male way of thinking. He had a cholecystectomy (removal of the gallbladder) on Wednesday morning after the nephrologist, endocrinologist, and cardiologist cleared him for surgery. From what I hear his surgeon was wonderful. So much so in fact, Mum wants to invite him for dinner in hopes of marrying me off. Nevermind the fact I have a boyfriend. Poor Kevin. Looks like he has competition. My father came home Friday evening. He's off work for a week until his check-up. I'm sure all will be well. He just gave us a bit of scare.

I'm house/doggy/kitty sitting for a friend/coworker. It's a cute little house in Arlington Heights. She has two dogs and two cats. They're all adorable and have great personalities. I haven't slept with Ducky. There just isn't room. On average I have two animals with me. Not just with me but right on me. They are very loving animals. Except when the mailman comes. Then they turn into little hellhounds. Yesterday I came home from work ill. I curled up on the couch barely able to move, completely exhausted from the virus. The dogs curled up with me and kept me warm. Today I called in sick though I really shouldn't have. Paychecks are desperately needed but I really don't want to spread my germs around the office. I hate being blamed for the latest bug outbreak. If people washed their hands and covered their mouths the office wouldn't be half as sick as it has been. I digress. I stayed home and watched movies while napping on the couch. My boyfriend came over and took me to a movie and then spent some cuddle time with me on the couch. He's very attentive. He may not be a doctor but he knows how to keep me in line. Thanks to him, I now have a decent supply of tissues and cold medicine as well as vitamin water.

The past few days have been exceptionally difficult for numerous reasons. Deep wounds from the past have not completely healed. I've come to realize a few things about myself that I never really knew before. Perhaps I knew I just didn't really understand. The realization gave me a new perspective on my life and my relationships with people. I knew it was time I had to let someone close to me in a little further. It was time to let down the wall, to pull back the curtain and let him see me exactly as I am. He needed to know the past events that helped make me the person I am today. I've told the story to those closest to me many times before. I've even spoken in groups. Somehow this seemed different. I know the reaction I've had in the past hasn't always been favorable. Some pass judgment against me. Some blame me. And for some, it's too much for them to handle and our friendship ends there. He deserved to know the truth. No matter how awful it is. Our relationship could not progress without revealing this bit of information. This bit that seems to weigh a ton.
Three glasses of wine later I found the courage to open up to him. The anniversary of awful events was upon me and the recurring nightmares had begun earlier than usual. Sleepless nights and intrusive thoughts rob me of my happiness and energy. So I wear a mask. To protect others. Over the years I find more and more that people would rather live in their own happy worlds than face the truth. When they ask the question usually they don't really want the answer. The mask works well. But I can't ware the mask for him. He sees through it. He knows there's a problem.
I sat beside him after an hour of friendly chat. It's a blur now. I don't even know how it started. I just remember the tightness in my chest and the fast pounding of my heart. There was terror in his eyes. I hadn't even told him yet. He was expecting something awful. I tried to skip the details but it was clear some were needed. I slid to the floor beside him and gazed off into the corner. It's easier if I don't have to look into his eyes. I started from the beginning. My words stuck in my throat and I forced them out through tears. The whole thing played in my mind again like some awful snuff film. It took all my energy to stay in the present. My fingers wound around my chain and the sheets and whatever else I could lay my hands on just to keep me grounded in reality. He was silent. So silent I had wondered if he had stopped listening. At some point he slid down on the floor next to me and held my arm. The story was over. I felt empty and achy. He turned to me with red eyes and told me how he'd always be there for me though he was terrified. No amount of training ever really prepares you for this. It's one of those things you read in textbooks but never really think will happen. No one ever wants to think it will happen. But it does. Frequently. 1 in 3.
So finally more of me made sense. Things were more clear to him. For a moment I thought I was in the clear. I thought it had gone exceedingly well. That frightened me. There was no immediate reaction. I didn't know what to make of it. He asked me what we were to do. He asked me if I was ending our relationship. He said he couldn't stop me from leaving. And it hit me. He didn't want this. He didn't want to know. He wasn't ready for the truth. Somewhere I found strength. I don't know where. Through red puffy eyes and endless tears I forgave him. I told him it was okay, that I understood. I stood to go, looking for my keys but he stopped me. He spoke but I could not hear him. All I could hear were my thoughts, how foolish I had been to wait so long to tell him. I should have told him sooner rather than later. Why did I think this would work? The calm and clarity that I possessed seemed to balance the sheer panic in him. His words came tumbling out of his mouth so fast without any order. He held tightly to my hands. Together we worked it out. We talked. This was a first. I had never seen anything like it. His first inclination was to run. But he didn't. He sat with me and holding on to me for fear of losing me. He was different. I had underestimated him. The night ended with affection, support, and an understanding. It was a good start.

Not very eloquent. Not the best I've ever written. But I'll place some blame on the cold medicine and the congested head.

For now, I think I'll try to sleep. I pray for a dreamless sleep. One of rest. I pray to fight the demons some other night when I can breathe through both nostrils simultaneously, when my throat doesn't burn, and when my head doesn't feel like it weighs fifty pounds.